Hi all! Sorry I haven’t posted in over a week. I went to Playa del Carmen last Sunday (August 4th) and came back two days ago. I REALLY wanted to blog while I was there but the wifi was AWFUL, connecting to wifi was nearly impossible and once I was finally connected it took like an hour to even get to a web page.
Anyway… I had a blast. The first day or two was really difficult for me because what do people do when they to Mexico? Drink and get wasted, so I was having a hard time. Upon checking in, the very first thing one does when they get to a hotel, I was handed a glass of champagne. FML right. But I just starred at it then looked at my mom and put it down. That was hard but I don’t regret it. In the end, I’m really glad I stayed sober while I was there and I can’t even believe I did. Some of the things I saw drunk people doing was enough to keep me from wanting booze because I didn’t want to be that girl who was half naked at the dance club (they called it a disco) or that girl getting into a full blown fist fight with my fiance because we were both so messed up on drugs and alcohol that neither one of use knew what we were doing. And yes folks, that last part really did happen. I actually enjoyed the vacation for what it was, laying on the beach, para sailing, zip lining, cave swimming and going on the ATVs and NOT getting wasted wondering when my next drink would be. I enjoyed being sober.
Unfortunately, I’m back to reality now and I’m already wishing I was back on the beach away from society. People just really annoy the living crap out of me. I’m the kind of person who is willing to do almost anything for anyone and lately it’s been biting me in the ass. Apple Gideon Pie is driving me nuts, I can stand this one woman I work with, and my anorexia urges are through the roof lately.
Apple Pie is such a confusing son of a bitch, excuse my french but he is. He’s either so sweet and down to earth or he’s practically buried under a rock somewhere unable to be reached. There’s definitely something going on that he just doesn’t want to tell me about and it’s going to drive me up a wall and then shit will hit the fan. I’ve been trying to let it go but I can’t. There’s just something different about him and the way I feel around him and how we interact that I am so infatuated by. And he’s sober, which is just the icing on the cake because that’s EXACTLY what I need.
Now for the stupid ED urges. Last night I went to my standard AA meeting and then Applebee’s after because that’s what we do after every Monday night meeting. So I was in the bathroom and one of the other females from the fellowship was also in the bathroom. She asked what I order, I said nothing because I ate dinner before the meeting. She said oh, I just got a salad, I’m not super hungry though and plus the food here sucks. I laughed and agreed. Then she continued to look at herself in the mirror and adjust her clothes and said, “God, I wish I was anorexic”. My jaw dropped and face when white. Granted she probably has no idea that I struggle with anorexia, but still, are you THAT naive to say you want to be anorexic? Sure maybe she wants to drop a few pounds I mean this woman isn’t really thin but she sure isn’t overweight either. I was in such shock and astonishment I just looked at her and said, “No you don’t. Take my word for it, anorexia and alcoholism almost killed me more then once” and I proceeded to walk out of the restroom. I still find that this many hours later and I’m still distraught. I texted a few friends, some from treatment and some not, last night because all I could do was think about what she said and next thing I knew I had tears rolling down my face. Why on earth would someone ever say that? It’s painful: everything about it is painful. In that moment though, I wanted nothing more to go back to my old ways and forget everything I’ve ever learned or dealt with in the past 5 years with my ED. I haven’t had thoughts or feelings like this in a while and it scared the crap out of me. Thankfully, I had supportive friends who helped direct me from right and wrong, taking me out of that ED mindset, but it still lingers with me everyday and I think it always will. I pray that I never go back to that level of self hate, self destruction, and self ridicule again.
As shitty as any Monday could be, I’m still here today, alive with friends and family who love and care about me. I have nothing to complain about and everything to be grateful for. I’ve been reading this book called Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser and there are a few really great lines I’ve come across and would like to end this post with one.
“A broken heart is not the same as sadness. Sadness occurs when the heart is stone cold and lifeless. On the contrary, there is an unbelievable amount of vitality in a broken heart.”